We were somewhat surprised that no one contacted us concerning our recent Caribbean cruise. We can certainly understand if people would rather not waste their time meeting us. However, it would be unfortunate if no one had any interest in cruising. It is a great way to relax and at the same time, see a variety of exotic places.

This time. we were aboard Celebrity's Century. It is 815 feet long (about 76 feet shorter than the Titanic). 105 feet at the beam (about l 3 feet wider than the Titanic) and has a guest capacity of about 1,750. (The Titanic carried 1,321 passengers of which 712 were in steerage. There is no steerage on the Century. Everyone pays a bundle.)

The Century is relatively friendly to smokers. Smoking is permitted in many areas and the ship is fitted with a classy cigar lounge known as Michael's Pub. The Pub is tended by a friendly and attractive Scandinavian woman who got the assignment because she "didn't mind the smoke. "

We sailed from Fort Lauderdale relatively late in the evening. Departure was delayed while Celebrity waited for a plane from France to arrive. When we finally got going, it seemed like they opened the casino as soon as the ship was about 6" out to sea.

We always enjoy the first breakfast on the ship. It gives Bill a chance to show his stuff and see if the waiter is up to the task. The waiters on the Century are efficient and attentive but tend to be somewhat impersonal. Bill would change that.

"I'll start with two glasses of tomato juice and figs," Bill told the waiter after perusing the menu and selecting a couple of croissants from a silver tray, "and then I'll have the herring with cream."

The waiter began to walk away.

"I'll also have the bagels with lox and cream cheese," Bill continued, "and let me try some of those kippers with onions and potatoes."

The waiter paused, not sure if Bill was done. "Anything else, Sir?" he asked cautiously.

"Two Eggs Benedict with potatoes and bacon," Bill responded enthusiastically.

By this time, the waiter knew he was dealing with a player. He scribbled furiously.

"...and a double order of corned beef hash." Bill added.

"Would you like to try some sausage, Sir?" the waiter helpfully suggested.

"No, thank you," Bill answered seriously. "I'm trying to cut back. "

By the time the week was over, our waiter and busboy had loosened up considerably. They were impressed with Bill's style. They had never served a passenger before who carried his own extendable fork to facilitate sampling food off of everyone else's plate.

We spent our first full day at sea, heading towards Jamaica at a speed of about 23 knots or so. During this leg of the cruise, we passed within approximately 12 miles of Cuba. ("Any closer and both the Cubans and the Captain get nervous," a ship's officer told us.) With a land area of over 42,000 square miles, the mysterious country is the Caribbean's largest island and could be clearly seen on the horizon for about four hours. We sailed along the island's eastern end (Guantanamo, Santiago de Cuba, Bayamo). Cuba's best tobacco is grown at the opposite end of the island in the Vuelta Abajo area of the Pinar del Rio province.

Our first stop was Ocho Rios, Jamaica. Jamaica is a very beautiful island with a fascinating culture. Travel brochures describe the island as "seductive" but the word from most experienced travelers is "be careful." Crime is reported to be a serious problem in many areas and the peddlers can be relentless. If you stick to the established tourist attractions and shops, however, you will likely encounter locals who are quick to respond with a friendly "Ya, mon," "No problem, mon," and "Be happy, mon."

The ship recommended a place called Mohans Duty Free Shop for cigars but we didn't feel like walking that far. We wound up at a place called Cigar World where we were offered two Trinidads for $50 each. The Trinidads, which only became commercially available early this year, are made in relatively small quantities at Havana's El Laguito factory. They look a lot like Lanceros but have a darker wrapper. Supposedly, Castro had been offering them to visiting dignitaries for several years before they were produced for export.

We told the salesman that no cigar is worth $50 and moved on. Bill paused to take a picture of the outside of the store. A woman in a colorful skirt with a basket of flowers on her head walked in front of the camera just as Bill snapped the picture. She asked Bill for a tip. He explained that he was taking a picture of the cigar store, not her. We did not quite understand her response but it definitely was not "Be happy, mon."

I went to look at watches and when I returned, Bill pulled two Trinidads out of a bag.

"How much? I asked.

"$35 each." Bill responded.

"Are you sure they're not fakes?" I asked suspiciously.

"Hey, do I look like I just fell out of a kumquat tree?" Bill replied indignantly.

Bill went on to explain that he purchased them at a place called Tropical Cigar Shop at the Tajmahal Shopping Center. The guy (Jay) had three boxes--two sealed and one open. The boxes all had legitimate looking stamps and factory codes. The cigars had handsome wrappers and appeared to be well-constructed. He told the guy that we wrote a column on the Internet and would let everyone know immediately if we thought they were fakes. The fellow insisted they were not.

We told our wives that the cigars cost $6 each and headed back to the ship. After dinner, we settled in at Michael's Pub to enjoy our Trinidads with some Remy Martin VSOP cognac.

After 10 minutes, we were trying to identify the specific kumquat tree that Bill must have fallen from. The cigars were virtually unsmokable. They just wouldn't draw. Bill announced that he was going to write to VISA and tell them to withhold payment to the vendor. Either those cigars were fakes or the Trinidad is the most over-hyped cigar in the history of the planet. The wives could not understand why we were getting so worked up over a $6 cigar.

Our next stop was Grand Cayman Island. It does not have the natural beauty of Jamaica but the island is safe and impeccably clean and the locals are absolutely delightful. Shopping is good and a fine selection of Habanos are available at a number of locations. No one was pushing Trinidads. We picked up some Bolivars. These are rich, full flavored cigars which are not for beginners.

We visited the Turtle Farm which we initially assumed was some kind of zoo. It was truly a farm. Green sea turtles are raised in tanks until they are 3 to 4 years old and then they are turned into meat products and soup. We each, of course, tried a turtle sandwich. It tasted like turkey. The Bolivars were the perfect complement.

We wrapped up the day with a trip to Seven Mile Beach which in reality is only six miles long. Bill got stung by hundreds of jellyfish. The next day he was so sick, he only ate half a sandwich for lunch. A shot and some pills from the ship's doctor restored his appetite. At dinner, he put away three shrimp cocktails, a Caesars salad, six lobster tails and a generous prime rib, plus a dessert.

Our next stop was Isla Cozumel, a flat, sun drenched island about 40 miles south of Cancun. We had heard so much about the prevalence of fakes in Mexico that we skipped any real cigar buying here. Carlos 'n Charlie's bar (home of the Yard of Margarita") was worthwhile but the highlight of this stop was Joe trying to buy Robitussin in a drug store where only Spanish was spoken.

Our final port of call was Key West, Florida, the southernmost city in the continental U.S. Much of the population of Key West marches to the beat of a different drummer and the remainder is so laid back, you wonder if they could ever function on the mainland again.

There are lots of interesting cigar stores on the island, but the one we liked best was the Key West Cigar Factory. The output of this "factory" is actually produced by one woman who sits in the window rolling cigars of different shapes, blends and sizes. We were told by the clerk that she has been making cigars for 30 years. We tried a Churchill for $6.00. It was a very mild and well made cigar.

We spent our last night in the ship's casino watching our bankroll shrink slowly but steadily. When we had enough, we headed back to Michael's Pub for a final smoke. This time, we settled down with some Veracruz robustos that we brought with us. No hype, no fakes - just a good dependable cigar for about $7.

It just doesn't get any better.

The Cigar Guys

P.S. If you have any questions or any comments drop us a line. We love to hear from our readers. Also check back shortly for a great Interview with the maker of the Veracurz cigar.

You can The Cigar Guys at: tbill@enter.net for any comments or questions.

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