The month of May brought us back to the Caribbean. “Oh no, not another cruise column,” you say. Well, we had actually planned to climb Mount Everest this month but the wives objected to the cold weather so we reluctantly settled for a seven day cruise on Carnival’s Destiny.

The wives handled the packing except for the cigars. We pooled our money and purchased a full box of Veracruz ultra premiums for the trip. These elegant cigars are individually packaged in humidified glass tubes and travel very well. We also brought some Honduran Punches. These well-made cigars are rich in flavor and bouquet.

The Destiny is a huge ship with a displacement of over 100,000 tons. For a brief period, it was the largest cruise ship afloat. Its ports-of-call on this cruise comprised San Juan, St. Croix and St. Thomas. All of these islands are under the U.S. flag and do not permit the importation of Cuban cigars.

The cruise had a somewhat inauspicious beginning. We were standing on the tenth deck enjoying the departure from Miami Harbor, when Bill sighted a small, pleasure craft sitting in the Destiny’s path. The boat appeared to be dead in the water. The Destiny sounded a warning and then tried to execute a sharp turn to starboard. Needless to say, however, ships of this size do not exactly pivot on a dime.

The Destiny narrowly avoided a direct collision but passed within a few feet of the small boat. As the Destiny passed, the pleasure craft was being drawn towards the Destiny’s port side. We believe it had something to do with Bernoulli’s principle. Briefly, as the speed of a fluid increases, its sidewise pressure decreases. That is why an airplane flies and a golf ball slices.

In any event, the occupants of the small boat could not have cared less about Bernoulli at that moment. They were scared as hell and began leaping into the water. Imagine how they must have felt looking up at a ship over 900 feet long, 12 decks high and only a few feet away. Fortunately, no one was injured and the pilot boat that was escorting the Destiny out of the harbor broke off and came to the aid of the floundering boat.

“I’ve got it all on tape,” Bill shouted excitedly. We quickly rewound the tape and looked through the VCR’s viewfinder. We saw the water, the sky, and some guy drinking a Pina Colada. There would be no stipend from the 7 o’clock news.

The Destiny’s captain reported the incident to the Coast Guard and we had to mark time off the coast of Florida awaiting further instructions. Also, the harbor pilot was still on board since his ride home had gone to help the people in the water. After an hour or so, a boat came to pick up the pilot and the Coast Guard allowed us to proceed to San Juan.

San Juan is a city of 1.4 million people, roughly one third of the island’s population. Old San Juan is the city’s historic district. It is walled and encircled by water. Its 16th century buildings house a combination of private residences, shops and restaurants.

Like most of the Caribbean, San Juan does not have cigar stores per se, but many of the gift and liquor stores are equipped with large, well-stocked humidors. We stopped in a store a near the Plaza de Armas, the original main square of Old San Juan and the site of City Hall. The store’s walk-in humidor offered a fine selection of Dominican cigars including hard-to-get Fuente Hemingways. Most of the cigars appeared to be reasonably priced but we were shocked to see Corto de Veracruz cigars selling for $20 each. The ones that we brought from home cost about $7.00.

Eventually, a customer whispered the inevitable question.

“Got any Cubans?” a young man asked the clerk.

The clerk looked around cautiously, reached to the top shelf and pulled down a box with a few “Cohibas” in it. The labels did not look right and the cigars appeared to be of shabby construction. We caught the young man’s eye and silently shook our heads “no” over the clerk’s shoulder. The young man heeded our warning and moved on, thanking us before he left.

After exploring Old San Juan, we visited a casino and then attended a show featuring Juan Carlos, a Flamenco guitarist who once appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show when he was 11 years old. The man was incredible. His hands moved so fast on the guitar strings, it was difficult to believe he was actually playing. Bill was not impressed. He slept through most of the performance and bolted for the door at the end.

“That was the worst thing I’ve seen since Jekyll and Hyde,” he declared loudly on the bus.

The next night, we went to see a juggler on the ship. The highlight of his act involved spitting balls high in the air and then catching them in his mouth. He could do two balls at a time. Bill was mesmerized. He leaped to his feet and gave the juggler a standing ovation. (We’re not making this up, folks.)

We decided to try out the Destiny’s cigar lounge. We selected a table near the bar. Joe ordered a glass of Hennessy VSOP to go with his Veracruz. The cognac brought out the cigar’s highlights nicely. Bill lit up a Punch and then ordered something that looked like a creamsicle topped with a cherry. He said he needed a drink that would soften his full flavored cigar.

“The Onyx”, as the lounge is called, is located under the disco. Loud, obnoxious music traveled through an open stairway. People from the disco wandered up and down the stairs. Members of the crew smoked cigarettes and did the Macarena a few tables away. Only a moron could have designed such an arrangement. If you’re looking for a serious cigar lounge, try another cruise line.

Our next stop was St Croix, the largest of the three U.S. Virgin Islands. At one time, St. Croix’s economy was almost entirely dependent upon the cultivation of sugarcane. The sugarcane is virtually gone now and the locals count on tourism, light industry and a major refinery for their livelihood. We took an island tour that included a visit to a rum factory. The plant was somewhat primitive by U.S. standards but unlimited free samples verified that the final product was more than satisfactory.

On the way back to the ship, our bus broke down. While we waited for help, a few of us wandered down to a small, isolated market to get something cold to drink. As we grabbed some Gatorade at the back of the simple, concrete block structure, we heard a question followed by a familiar voice.

“Do you want the hot sauce with that, Mon?”

“Sure. Why not?”

It was Bill. He was carrying a Styrofoam box filled with fried whatever.

“I’ve always wanted to try goat,” he proclaimed proudly.

Bill quickly polished off the contents of the box and washed it down with some Caribe beer. Someone arrived with a new battery and we were on our way again.

At dinner that night, Bill ordered Beef Wellington for the first time. When he bit into the goose liver pate, his face shriveled up like a prune. He held a napkin to his mouth and began making strange noises. We couldn’t believe it! Finally, a food that Bill couldn’t eat. We adjourned to the top deck for some after-dinner cigars to help Bill get the taste out of his mouth.

Our final stop was St. Thomas, a pretty island with great shopping. There is a good selection of cigars here. One liquor store was offering a free box of Dominicans with the purchase of a bottle of Hennessy’s XO ($100.00). We passed on the cognac but bought a few bottles of rum and then smoked some Veracruz robustos while our wives bought some jewelry.

The final two days of the cruise were spent at sea with the ship chugging towards Miami at less than 20 knots per hour. The sea was gentle, the weather was perfect and the food was plentiful. We topped off each day with the midnight buffet followed by a late smoke on the ninth deck. The aromatic Punches guaranteed us plenty of deck space to ourselves.

It just doesn't get any better than this!

The Cigar Guys

You can The Cigar Guys at: tbill@enter.net for any comments or questions.

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